Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
