I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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