Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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