I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
