I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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