I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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