Your dad touched me again.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Im part way to drunk.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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