i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
