people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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