You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
