the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Quick, to the slutcave!
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
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And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
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If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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