u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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