i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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