I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
