He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
