the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
