the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
