Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
