The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
