Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
