He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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