You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
