Apparently you make a good broom.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
