The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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