I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
