After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
