I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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