I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
They left me at home... I'm a liability
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
