i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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