whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
