I wish I could punch you in the face.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
