What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
