guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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