Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
