sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
