if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
