Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
