Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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