Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
