if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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