Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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