how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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