you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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