roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
