Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
