I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
