if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
