a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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