There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
