Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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