What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
