mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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