Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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