Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
