i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
