Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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