so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
