Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
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