were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
